Helping in Boston-UPDATED

UPDATES: NEWEST AT TOP:

___________Monday April 22nd 9:17 AM
Taken from Ars Technica here. ​

​

_________ Friday April 19th 9:25PM MST

DropKick Murphy's, a band from Boston, is raising money for the families affected by the bombings by selling "For Boston" t-shirts. If you would like to purchase a t-shirt click here.

Or if you want to uphold the human spirit and #RunForBoston, join the event We Run For Boston-Saturdayon Facebook. This event will unite runners, and non-runners to pull on their tennis shoes and run together as a country on Saturday, April 20.​

_____________Wednesday April 17th 12:11 AM

Donate to The One Fund Boston, set up by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick a

nd Boston Mayor Tom Menino to support those most affected by the April 15 bombings.​

_________ Tuesday April 16th 9:35 PM 

Limbs for Life. Org

is taking donations for victims of the Boston Marathon Bombings. Limbs for life provides prosthetic care for those who cannot afford it. Please click here for more information.​

_______

Google Person Finder For Boston Marathon

_______ Tuesday April 16th 8:28 AM MDT

TECHNOLOGY SUPPORTS VICTIMS OF BOSTON MARATHON BOMBING Fundraising:

See the related news story on this effort here. ​​
The Washington Post also covers the fundraiser here.

Click here to visit the fundraising page:​

About the Cause:

Please join TUGG and the technology community in supporting those impacted by the bombing at this year's Boston Marathon. All proceeds will be donated completely to programs working with victims of the attacks including Red Cross, Children's Hospital, and others. Both TUGG and fundraise.com are donating 100% of their fees so that all of your support goes directly to helping those in need. This is a terrible injustice and we are proud to stand as a community to help repair the lives of those who have been hurt. To learn more, please visit:

http://bostinno.streetwise.co/2013/04/15/explosion-at-boston-marathon-2013-finish-line/

About TUGG:

In 2009, leaders from Boston's technology community created a new initiative called TUGG (Technology Underwriting Greater Good) dedicated to bringing together technology companies, entrepreneurs, and venture capitalists to help young people realize their full potential. TUGG accomplishes this by empowering individuals and the community to identify important issues and collaborate to solve them.

___________ Monday April 15th Evening Time:

The American Red Cross of Eastern Massachusetts has opened a disaster operation center and is asking locals to notify loved ones of their whereabouts on the organization’s website.​

  • The Red Cross says the best way to help right now is to get in touch with loved ones through its Safe And Well Listings. The organization is not asking for blood donations at this time.
  • The Salvation Army is offering food, beverages and crisis counseling to survivors and first responders. Find out how you can get involved here.
  • Some marathon runners are stranded in Boston and in need of places to stay. Find out how you can offer housing here.
  • Anyone with info about the incident can call 1-800-494-TIPS.

Taken from the Huffington Post Page ​

​______

Original Blog Entry: ​

​The darkness left behind by such senseless violence is only outdone by the bright hope we have in helping each other get through these days. Nothing made me cry harder than seeing people rushing into the blast area trying to help the wounded. We've been through this before, and we recovered. We can do it again. 

Also, I implore you to stay away from the speculators, the ad-fueled debate machines designed to make this into something they can churn endlessly on the networks. The people lost, the people hurt deserve help and compassion from us, not fearful suspicious bickering and suggestions of more violence. Eye for an eye, people. Hug your loved ones tonight and tomorrow. When I've sorted out helping info pages,I'll post them here.​

​

Helping in Waco Texas

I meant to post about this sooner, but details on how to help the Waco victims has been a bit buried:​ More updates as I find them.

  • From Keranews:
  • United Way of Tarrant County is accepting donations for West victims online or at 817-258-8019.
  • This weekend, the Rangers will hold a blood drive via Carter BloodCare and accept supply/monetary donations during their home series versus Seattle. Find out where and what to give.
  • The Knights of Columbus organization is taking donations for the West, Texas Disaster Relief Fund online. All you need is a credit card.
  • Dallas jewelry stamp f. is for frank is selling bracelets with "West TX" engraved on pewter plates (there's a "Boston" version as well.) All proceeds go the Red Cross.
  • To help with lost pets or to check on missing pets in the area, call The Humane Society of Central Texas in Waco at 254-754-1454.
    Read more here: http://www.star-telegram.com/2013/04/18/4785162/how-to-help-west-victims-volunteer.html#storylink=cpy
  • Some people are reaching out on social media sites. A page called Prayers for Victims of Waco/West TX Fertilizer Plant Disaster was created on Facebook after last night's explosion. Different organizations, including churches and fire departments, have posted on that page how they are helping out.
  • Students in the Dallas Independent School District are also lending their support. Carter Blood Care mobile units are set up at W.T. White High School where students, staff and community members have been donating blood.
  • At Hillcrest High School, a school supply drive is being organized to collect items to send to students in West ISD. District officials say suggested supplies include pencils, pens, paper and binders. The school is also accepting donations beginning Monday, April 22 through Friday, May 3. 
  • And at W.H. Adamson High School, the athletic program will be accepting canned food donations tomorrow to send to families in West.
  • Red Cross spokeswoman Anita Foster says cash is the best and easiest way to give because needed items can be purchased in bulk at the best price. She recommended visiting the Red Cross website. People can also use their mobile device and text the word Red Cross to 90999, which is a $10 donation, she said.
  • The Old Red Museum of Dallas County History & Culture posted on its Facebook page that it would be delivering items to West on Monday.

The Waco Tribune has posted a list of helpful links, including how to reach loved ones on its site.

​______

​Torn from this site whole cloth 

"For the victims of the fertilizer plant explosion in West near Waco,The Rod Ryan Show and Houston Food Bank are hosting a food drive this Saturday, April 20 at Buzzfest 30 at the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion. You can drop off food donations from noon to 5 p.m. at the North gate. The Houston Food Bank will prepare the food for distribution by The Capital Area Food Bank which covers West, Texas.

Food items needed:

Peanut butter and crackers

Pop-top cans of fruit, vegetables, and apple sauce

Canned tuna and chicken

Fruit juice

Granola bars and cereal bars

Please bring only non-perishable food. Bottled water is NOT needed, and clothing and baby food cannot be accepted.

Gallery Furniture on IH-45 is also accepting donations for the victims of the explosion through the weekend. If you would like to donate, Red Cross-Waco is asking for the following items that can be dropped off at Gallery Furniture:

Water

Gatorade

Energy bars, snacks

Clothing

Blankets (cold front coming in)

Toiletries

Diapers

Formula

Bottles

Toys

Adult diapers

Peroxide, rubbing alcohol

Medical supplies

Air mattresses

Gallery Furniture is located at 6006 North Freeway Houston, TX 77076.

John Eagle Honda located at 18787 Northwest Fwy, Houston, TX 77065 is also accepting donations.

You can also donate blood at your local Red Cross by locating a donation center nearest you.

If you happen to be traveling to Dallas this weekend, the Texas Rangers will be hosting a blood and donation drive this weekend during their home game series against Seattle. You can drop by over the weekend to donate requested items such as diapers, water bottles, gift cards for grocery stores or home supply stores, toilet paper, non-perishable food items, clothing, and cash donations.

Willie Nelson changed his birthday concert to a benefit concert on April 28 in Austin. Nelson, who was born a few miles away from West, encourages communities to visit his website for additional information on relief efforts for those affected.

​"

maybe I should write it down

oh gods, oh gods. I've been fretting all week about the direction of the trilogy, because the way the pieces had been stacked up it could only end badly for the reader, either through a cheap trick Deus Ex Machina impossible ending, or for the death of everyone involved. 

I was screaming at myself editing these few pages and today the main protagonist handed me a reminder about one of her greatest fears, and in seconds everything snapped into place. 

Don't outline Mari. Just listen to the characters. Why did I EVER stray from this?!

I am so happy I could cry. Even if nothing I write ever makes it to published status, I've found the key puzzle piece to unlock the problem.

​

REJECTION SECTION #1:

Writing update: Pleasantly pleased with relative speediness of short story rejection from first attempted market—that's not sarcasm or bitterness, they only took a month. That's awesome. Next fiction market I sent out the story to this morning averages eight months. Yikes.  

And am I upset with the rejection? Nope. This is like getting back on a bike. ask me how I feel about it after 1000 straight rejections. Then I might be a little bummed. Using http://thegrinder.diabolicalplots.com/ to track current markets since it's well built and you know, free, which is in my writer's budget. 

What this does tell me though is that I'd better get slamming on letting some of those other short stories out, even while editing. I don't like editing, because that makes me doubt myself as a writer far more than rejection slips or the occasional email from my loyal troll. As long as my wife likes my work I know all is not lost.  C'est la vie.

​

Not;like this.

So. editing with acute tooth extraction pain and post surgery meds = Not the best of ideas, but dammit I showed up for work and got something done. Yes, it was just 1 page edited over and over ( I have a feel for where I need to take a hammer to the rest of the story now) but it was better than zero. And yes, I am having a tough time dealing with depression and financial issues and again, acute tooth pain—but despite that I'm having a good day. Hell, I've had a great two weeks, dental hell notwithstanding. I just wish I knew how to properly use a semicolon; it and other graphic symbols of grammar confuse me.  (It's Steins;gate's fault!)

Thanks to everyone for your continued well-wishes and support!

​

#FollowFriday Medicated Edition!

I haven't written a #FollowFriday post in, nearly forever (physicists are calling me on the phone telling me I have no idea what I'm talking about but surprise) but I thought I'd take a few minutes out to point you at some awesome people I follow that I think you might like to follow.

First up is Jen Larsen, (@Jenfoo, whose memoir “STRANGER HERE” sounds like it going to be amazingly dull, but shows itself in the tiny little excerpt I read to be exceptionally amazing. It's not science fiction, but it is fantastic. Like another reader said I want to read stacks of her work. I found her via this essay on @Scalzi's Whatever blog .

Next up is Mr. Ryan Oakley, @thegrumpyowl. He's author of the brutally brilliant Technicolor Ultra Mall, which is a smashing dystopian novel that is as sharply written as it is painfully critical. I found him through Tim Maughan @TimMaughan. They sometimes tweet-fight with one another (Google Glass seems to be topic du jour.) but Ryan's tweets are never time wasted.

That's it for now, friends and foes. Until next time

​

Funny things at the dentist

I HATE dentists. Strike that, I LOVE dentists, as people, as individuals, I just... can't stand their tools of oh god everlasting torture (IS HE DRILLING INTO MY SKULL? HE JUST USED PLIERS TO GRAB ONTO MY JAW! WHAT IS THAT CRACKING SOUND?WHY IS THERE SMOKE?)​ but sometimes there are just some surreal moments you have when you pay a stranger to reach into your mouth, numb it up, and start renovating a 3 bedroom condo in there. 

​One such moment:  My dentist's office has a window for me to look out of while the good doctor is yanking my tongue and replacing it with duct-tape or what ever. Conveniently, my window overlooks a cemetery. 

Did I mention I'm terrified of dentists yet? Kay.​

​Anyway the surreal bit isn't the cemetery, or even the fact that there's just rows and rows of headstones there, no caretaker's office, not even a shed. But what IS there is a the headstones of like, 2000 people, and a brown UPS truck. The driver of the truck is just tooling around the cemetery, as if he's looking for. . .a SPECIFIC ADDRESS. That's right. Maybe he has a package to deliver. Or maybe he's expecting a pick up. I don't know. I just know that there's probably pretty stiff opposition to getting a signature there.  Maybe he was just hoping to ask someone for directions?

When I die, I'm going to have packages dropped off at my grave every so often, just to mess with people.​

Two years later

(This entry is being written at 11:00 AM March Tenth 2013 in Denver time, but at 2:00 AM Japan Standard Time, if my Mac's clocks are correct, which they may not be. )

Two years later. . .according to the Japanese National Police Agency, fifteen thousand, eight hundred and eighty one people died, Two thousand six hundred and sixty-eight people are still missing. I can’t even approach what this number means in any sensible, respectful manner. Expressions of sorrow are useless, and any attempt at trying to make sense of the Tōhoku Earthquake and Tsunami just leave me sandblasted with grief.  

Eighteen thousand five hundred and forty-nine people, gone. How many thousands more feel this loss, the emptiness of their family, friends, and loved ones missing?  I can’t say. I don’t know.  and to be honest, in the light of what happened, my feelings are mostly irrelevant. I think everyone who knows me can figure out that this tragedy bothers me very much, but really, I didn’t lose anyone I knew. None of my family died. What right do I have to grieve over eighteen thousand strangers?  I don’t want to co-opt the events. I lend my efforts, my voice to trying to make a difference, to try to get the folks who think nuclear energy is really safe to wake up and see maybe it’s not as safe as we like to think.  The lost people of Tōhoku deserve a better memorial than anything I can give them, but there are still, still politicians who are trying to push ahead with dangerous policies that disrespect the lives lost, in my humble opinion. 

Thankfully there are still people out there giving voice to the truths of life after the disaster, people like investigative journalist-author Jake Adelstein who keep companies and politicians like TEPCO in the hot seat with measurably useful coverage. There’s Abiko Free Press and the Reconstructing Japan project, which is the sort of follow-up to the Quakebook project I was involved in. They recently announced something new(ish.) There’s also the APRICOT Project, which I don’t know that much about beyond the fact that they are a volunteer group offering free counseling to the children of Tōhoku.  There are countless other efforts doing a much better job than I ever could of staying committed to meaningfully telling the stories  and helping the people affected. 

As for me? 3.11.2013 will be a day of silence, I think. 

​

"Let's call him Rex"

Commenting now seems fixed. Comment away, or if you prefer, contact me via email using the CONTACT form page in the menu. Twitter is also an option, as is Facebook, but both those methods seem . . .like vaguely remembered witchcraft rituals in which the great Nyx may swallow up your message whole. I am working on a commenting policy as well. I will post it once I’ve refined it. But the gist is: 

“Be civil and relevant. Failure to do so will result in your comment languishing in the nine pits of hell.”

As long as you can do that, then I open up my blog to you for commenting. So sit down, scribble away, have a cup of tea, there’s cookies  on the table tray by the door. Watch out for the website’s cat. It’s like a bookstore cat, but much bigger, the size of a small love seat.

Editing the first space novel today. In a strange fugue where I felt possessed by my muses the same way some speak of demons possessing young children, I wrote the final scene of the Space Novels Trilogy yesterday. I know how it’s all going to end, but I have no idea how I’m going to get there in just one and one-half books. I think that means I pulled a JK Rowling. But I’m excited for it, even though editing is grueling stuff. (Fact, editing is writing, not just surgery.) Have set aside the short stories for now, besides editing the completed short story. Productive day. 

Which I desperately need. Finding out how to manipulate my reptilian basal ganglia into letting the logical brain Get Things Done is a challenge, but I think I might have finally found a rhythm that works. If I’m going to come to terms with my mental illness, depression, and the interrelated health problems, I’m going to need a few new tricks. Like not giving a damn about certain things anymore.  And forcing myself to sleep, eat, and oh I don’t know, exercise. Not exactly revolutionary stuff, but when I made the mental shift from trying to program my healing into my brain like a software program install and instead moved over to learning how to appease the base instinctual reptilian brain to let me do what I need to, things clicked. 

How do YOU get past the “I don’t wanna” part of your brain when you have things to do but would rather be lounging on the sofa instead? Leave your thoughts in the comment section, please. 

​

Houston, we have a problem-UPDATED

UPDATED: Whatever the problem was, the blog wizard engineers have made it go away, I think. Please leave a comment in this blogpost to test it if you like and remember, you need a Twitter, Google+, Facebook, or Squarespace account to login to leave comments. (Make sure to click on the appropriately colored social graphic to login into post) ​MARCH 6TH 2013

___

A few readers have reported an inability to make comments due to a login error with services. I have verified this issue, and contacted the blog company with a support ticket. In the meantime, please use the contact form from the Contact page to email me, or send an email directly to kurisato dot website at gmail dot com. Dot means . 

Sorry for the inconvenience, and please bear with us as the techno wizards work their magic. ​

Maybe if I made them Depression Zombies...

I keep meaning to sit down and write that blog post about how tired I am of my depression and physical issues ping ponging off each other and delaying my inevitable success as a ____________. But I have issue-fatigue, and am instead listening to David Bowie while my toddler bean naps in his chair right next to my desk. I really do not have time for this, as funds run out at the end of this month, and pleas of "I'm not doing this for money" fall beneath the inevitable grind to pay for rent and all that stuff. And yet.

Here i am, sharing it with you. Not sure why, I have no real idea of who reads this and who just flicks a glance at the pager and moves on. Ninety percent of my followers on Twitter ignore my tweets, and most friends on Facebook do too. It used to be different, back in the day (circa 2009) when I spent all my time talking on Twitter. Not tweeting, not broadcasting. But talking. 

That's a weird disconnect, because as a fairly severe shut-in hermit, the internet is really the only medium with which I communicate with the vast majority of people I know. I'm also keenly aware of the weirdness of being a long term out of work mentally ill shut in trying to make it as a writer...it's a strange flavor of insane, and a very lonely trip, despite my spouse, the kiddo, and my mom doing the best they can to keep me "present."

I’ve refrained from posting much about it on my blog and the other places I talk, because while there is a trend for “talking about depression” there is a very real pressure from many sides to “stay positive” “don’t focus on negativity,” and to “surround yourself with positive people.” And it’s BORING. No zombies are breaking down my door when I blog about depression, cyborgs stay mostly fictional and removed, and not a single alien has landed on my lawn in their starship.  Depression isn’t sexy, it’s not cool, and it’s a real mood killer. 

It is also my everyday reality, whether or not people read about it or not. It’s something me and my therapist struggle with (And he sees me free of charge, bless his heart) in my bi weekly sessions. But there it is, every morning, like a razor’s edge. Every day is waking up, staring at the beast in the room, that monster called depression, and his side demon-minion physical illness, and deciding to fight it, or failing. 

I fail more often than I’d like to admit. Maybe that’s what’s changed the scene. People get tired of Eeyore’s braying. I certainly do. It’s no wonder my Twitter feed has fallen silent. I don’t blame them. The problem is of course, i crave human contact, despite my brain’s inability to help me  leave the house whenever I would like to. I crave talking to friends, learning about strangers, and most of all, I crave a day where I don’t wake up telling myself I have to ignore the suicidal urges,  a day where instead, I just wake up functional and free of mental problems, 

The trick is, to keep on fighting the depression monster. Even if I fail as a writer, or as any sort of remotely employable human being in a society where one’s value and dignity is based on their ability to work, to make, to create, to do something, I will get up and try. 

If you’re brave enough to have read this whole splatter of strangeness, thank you, and apologies. I understand the world owes me nothing at all, and thank you deeply for spending some of your precious time reading this.  It really helps.

​

Beta Readers Notified!

Check your inboxes! The final group of Beta Readers for the TAN project have been notified and sent the manuscript. Thank you everyone who applied, or shared the link and showed interest. Please let me apologize to you if you were not selected; it's really better this way, because you get to read the final polished piece some day, not the horrid mess it is now. Those of us in the Beta Reader's Group go down into the salt mines known as editing hell, and some of us may never return. Thanks again!

Readers Needed! Updated!

Update 3:36PM 2/24/13
Applications are now closed! Successful beta reader ​applicants will be notified shortly with next steps! Thanks to everyone who applied!

The Tokyo Area Novel Project (working title) needs a few good beta readers reading for story-flow and general enjoyment/hate it-ness, editing or proofing. It is a first draft, typo and bad grammar ridden super rough cut book, with at least one sexually explicit scene. Accepted beta readers will be required to keep quiet about what they've read in public spaces, (no tweeting) asked to submit their thoughts and opinions on the work in an essay format (no 140 character reviews, please.)

Successful applicants will receive credit in the acknowledgements, and possibly the option of receiving a cookie. (Made available through a Pepperidge Farms type gift certificate or something.) Please inquire  through the contact form, and list the reasons why you think you'd be a great beta reader. 

Thank you so much!​

Star Stuff Now

skin color
parent’s birthplace
three billion base pairs
car, shoes, or underwear
you are none of these things.
caresses
kisses, abuses, body aches,
Solid State Drives, polaroid fragments and VCR days
jam sessions, freak outs, make outs long walks
Chawla, (herself star stuff now) said it best:
"You are just your intelligence"

Friday February 15th 1:50 AM

because they feel untouchable

Two stories competing for attention in my head today. One is a straight up erotic short that I might write, but not ever publish. The other deals with a constant theme in my works--life after death. No, not in the way you think. But it's such a strange issue with me. It's like my penchant for characters that have strong scientific and mathematics backgrounds. It's like my Muses live to torture me, because I myself have no skill with scientific or MATH concepts. Especially math.  

Thanks to my dyscalculia, I can do basic addition, but that's about it. And yet, why do so many of my characters turn out to be math prodigies or scientifically minded? To be honest sometimes I feel like I'm in over my head on just about every story I write. This is especially true with the recently finished Tokyo Area Novel project, which is set in an alternate universe timeline where it's fairly equivalent to modern times in this universe, with major exceptions. One of those major exceptions of course is that in the alternate timeline technology in some areas is far more advanced that in our world. Another more important issue is that in that alternate timeline universe, the Tohoku quake and Tsunami never happened. 

Not because I believe in some revisionist history ideal utopia, but because I was so affected by the quake and tsunami, and yet mostly so removed from it, that it felt like to me to address it in fiction would be a surefire way for me to fumble it and dishonor the memories of those who lost so much up to and including their lives. Fictional tragedies I can deal with, but real ones just seem so unapproachable important to me that it feels like I should leave the addressing of it to others who are far more capable writers than I am, like Our Man In Abiko, and Jake Adelstein, and so on. Real people died in that horrific event, and right now at this stage in my writing and life, I can't articulate what that made me feel. I tried in the little blurb piece I was given in 2:46 Aftershocks quake book, but OMIA was smart enough to edit out most of the stupidity I threw in, and looking back on it, I feel like maybe I should have just contributed through the artwork and kept my mouth shut about the quake and tsunami itself. To do otherwise feels like I'm getting the facts wrong on the issue, because unlike OMIA and others who lived there, I don't live in Japan. Never even been, though it is a bucket list item (after getting over my panic inducing crippling fear of going anywhere where people are.)

Maybe I should just write unpublishable erotica. Back to writing!

I almost lost the cork to the knife.

Recently I said :

"happiness is solely the right of children and machines, in the end."

When well meaning friends disagreed, I further posted: 

Tell me exactly, what we have done for this world that we deserve happiness from it? Does everyone have enough to eat? Does everyone have a place to sleep? Does every woman, child and man walking the streets of this planet at night feel safe? The planets resources are being wasted so a tiny portion of the world can have cheap food, cheap transportation, and air conditioned homes. Women are still treated like chattel throughout the world. Religious zealots are given unequal weight to determine the lives of millions of others because we can't abridge their religious freedom. Kids are being made into soldiers to fight and die in proxy for rich old men who hold profit above all else. What exactly have we done for the world that we deserve happiness for?

These thoughts have been on my mind a lot as I watch the boy growing.  I have no answers.

Make no mistake, my good people, inner circles and larger acquaintances, I am a damned liar and a hypocrite. But I'm trying not to be. Except for right now. Right now, I'm alone, drinking wine (or any sort of alcohol) for the first time in years, celebrating the fact that despite daily suicidal thoughts and major depression issues, despite job losses and and mental breakdowns, despite impending homelessness and continuing health problems, I persist in this pixel-colored HD world of ours. Enough to have two novels written, a short story finished, a few more published, and many things on the burners. It's funny, really. I don't believe in universal, or spiritual karma anymore, haven't since the Tsunami of 11, but my faith in human-powered, pay-it-forward-karma is getting stronger day by day. For that, I thank you. 

Isn't it called turquoise?

So, according to some VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE on the internet, saying "I dislike the blue/green" (about someone else's website's color theme) is akin to being an "asshat." (mind you, the rest of the statement I posted was "I dislike the blue/green, but everything else is great." but thanks for stripping out the context to focus solely on the negative.) This VIP even went on to write a blog post on her website about my remarks, (AND HOW BAD IT WAS TO NOT JUST SAY NICE THINGS OR BE QUIET) though they chose not to identify me by name.  So there's that. 

By the by, just to clarify? I'm slowly losing my eyesight, and there's definitely a range of web colors that makes text on text of the same color hue very hard to read. I'd go back and post that for VERY IMPORTANT PERSON to see, but I'm trying to balance between Honesty & Batshit Crazy, and I'd rather not pee on the website owner's public space any further. (website owner is not the VIP. Website's Owner is actually someone I think is a fucking awesome person, turquoise, or not.) 

But the point is this: When you declare yourself an opinionated person who speaks their mind, but then you make a blog post urging someone to keep their colorful (ha) opinions to themselves, what are you really trying to say?

So there's this guy

And his name is Paolo, and he follows me on Twitter and I guess after I was done  venting about gun violence in the US he somehow thought he and I should exchange link banners for our blogs?  And I was like, link what? I mean, I know a Bruce banner, but I thought... anyway. So I took a 10 minute cruise around his blog, and thought, what the fuck, why not. He wants me to send you amigos over there for gods know what reason? Sure thing. I hope he's not secretly a <INSERT ILLEGAL FETISH TERM HERE> but if he is, I'm really sorry. 

So go read his blog if you like, and try not to pee all over his div tags.

http://www.wanderinjapan.com/wander-in-japan---the-blog.html

(This was not a paid endorsement. This was a "fine, I'm awake at 1 AM, why not" decision I reserve the right to regret later.

repost + extra bits

Learned a lot of interesting new facts about some folks on my Facebook, today. Didn't even use graph search.Claire Monserrat Jackson in particular. What a fun day this has been so far. In personal news, a short story set in the same universe as the TAN project is clicking along at 1400 words. I hope to sell it to a SFWA "qualified market," but no bones there one way or another. Not that I'm aiming to be as awesomely famous as the amazing Tim Maughan (have you seen his interview in the Huffpost?) but I really do need to try writing as a career option. 

I know I know, they say only write for yourself. But if all writers did that how would they pay rent, groceries and etc? Art for art's sake is a grand and virtuous thing, but being paid for one's writing beats virtuous starvation any day. 

And speaking of starvation. Ugh. The Flu sucks. But in good news, I went outside and played in a park today with my boy. That is as some of you shut in/hikikomori types know all too well, a very huge step for me. It helps that the park was mostly deserted too.

Big changes coming soon.

the thing to remember is there is no ice

Trudging out to the ice, hearing the soft styrofoam crunch of days-old snow underfoot, followed by the swish-swish of the brush against the (soft as silk silica) of feathery overnight snow and kneeling at the edge while stars spin in rhythm to a galactic beat in the dark blue sky overhead, I can only think of what lies beneath the ice, what I have lost.

The first time anyone I knew died was just during my first year of college. The news of the death was sudden, violent, like that terrifying moment in a car accident where the truth becomes irreversible. you are going to spin out of control at best, at worst you’re going to hit a wall, a very bad thing is happening, and your world is gone. 

I wasn’t stoic about it, either, not when I heard the news that summer afternoon, collapsed on the floor, holding the landline phone in my hand as I howled and sobbed my denial. I didn’t even have the courtesy of waiting for the person on the other end of the line to hang up. 

Each loss of life since has been the same, no matter what my connection to the person, thin and tenuous like the layers of ice beneath me now, or as thick as an oak’s roots plunging beneath the soil and grass. There’s no dignity in my grief, no composure, just a howl of maddened pain and denial and sadness beyond proper description. 

My world is small. Though I hate for various reasons to use the word “tribe,” the circle many might think of as my “tribe” is small, and changing. This is my fault. I fail at several things as a human being, small talk, small courtesies like thank you letters and gifts of holiday, or knowing what to say when someone else is hurting, or what not to say, when to just shut up, and listen. I try, but I don’t know how to even leave my house without being terrified of the world outside, much less how to cross the gap between me and the larger world, and keep myself from drifting away. 

Admitting this is madness, like sitting on the ice in the middle of a freezing cold night, waiting for the water below to return to me something I lost long ago. The best thing I can do then, is get up, trudge back across the ice, and head towards the warmth and the light of my house in this little life I live. It’s not enough to counter all the loss, all the missteps, but it is what I can do. In some small way, I hope it serves as thanks, though thanks of this type I’m sure is as useful as being offered a painted skeleton of a dead cat by a homeless madwoman, as a birthday present.

As the screen door creaks and slams shut behind me, my fingers stinging from the shock of the warmth of the digital world that fills my life, my little house, I’m grateful to stop thinking about the ice, even if for a moment or two.